In the stillness

Do you ever think more clearly, love more deeply and cherish without question your journey when in silence?  I often do.  Even now, as I sit in the contemplative stillness I hear the soft breath of my son as he dreams.  My thoughts are allowed to blossom and grow in these hours I hold dear.  Where once these times of silence were so bountiful I became fat on the leftovers I now have to fight for even a small morsel. 
It hit me tonight once more of how much I love my little boy.  I feel a constant struggle between wanting to shield him from all evil, grabbing him up in a mother bear sort of way and hiding him beneath my skirts to laying him at the Lords feet in submissive knowing.  A knowing that he is not MINE but Gods.  I am blessed to be called his mama, to be allowed to take care of him, though it is not my right but a privilege and for that I am so thankful. 

When Beauty Happens

Samuel Mekhi  Meaning:  God Heard and voice of the Lord

In a time when life is unpredictable, unstable and rocky in every way, contrary to what we might think this is when beauty happens.  
A women who has given birth, A flower budding after a hard grey winter, a child running and jumping after being deathly ill...  Can any of these moments mean as much as they do without the pain, hardship and uncomfortable birthing process?  I can tell you from experience that the answer is  NO!  
After birthing my son, experiencing the most physical pain of my life never mind the emotional and mental I have never cared quite so much for a tiny person as I do this baby.  He is the "when beauty happens"  moment.  
Even before this... I had several miscarriages.  The emotional pain can't even truly be expressed on paper but if I could sum it up in a sentence or few this is what it would read: Miscarriage... A heart wrenching sadness followed by empty arms and an ever pondering mind with the question WHY?  Those were my babies!  Little ones with heart beats and possible foot prints... They were dreamed about, planned for and their little faces were imagined.  How can you not?  After all, the Lord was doing something amazing... a little PERSON was being formed!  I still can't explain the whys or even the hurts away but I can say that my heart has been softened. Each day of my pregnancy with Samuel I praised God for that one more day of being my little ones Mama!  I have loved my son all the more because of what I lost.  I also have taken less days for granite... each day with Samuel is a gift from God and I have been more keen to see them that way.  My cup runs over with a joy brought on through pain and suffering.  We cannot truly experience that unshakable kind of joy without it.  So with that in mind I thank the Lord for the "when beauty happens" moment but even more I thank Him for giving me the gift to see the beauty in the making.  The process before the moment of "hurray!"  The potential of the rainbow before the storm is over.

Reflection

Most things can be found beautiful depending on what lens you use to view them with...

Words

I use to have words... good words.  Words with meaning, insight, deep after tastes and an over all sense of purpose.  Now, my words come in one liners.  They are not deep or very insightful and I can hardly get myself to tell you any of them for the shame of it.  

"Samuel is cranky."     Or     "I need to throw in a load of diapers into the wash."    Or          "I am tired."     Or     "He is awake!"

Here is the best one yet... "I have been puked on...again."
Sadly this is what my brain has resorted to of late.  Mush.  I expect one day WORDS will come prancing back into my life as though they had never gone and when they do I will give them a good talking to!  The nerve, leaving me all alone like that.  How is one suppose to write a creative anything without words?  Seriously.  Do they realize how naked they are making me feel?!

My
Hope is
to one day
share a day in 
the life of a stay 
at home Mama...until
I am able, this is all you
get.

New Mama

4 Week old Samuel Mekhi

Samuel at 6 weeks

Being a Mama is not easy.  How women manage to do this AND work full time is beyond me.  I have all I can do to make sure I eat, Samuel eats and we both get good naps!  I also have to make the all important choice of what to do when he IS napping.  Clean, cook, dishes, laundry, EAT?  

 I was not warned how hard the first few weeks of taking care of my little one would be... I actually thought I might hate being a mama...  I felt terrible because I thought that I didn't love him and I kind of wondered what in the world was wrong with me!  Bobby (my husband) was in love right away.  In fact, he on DAY ONE volunteered me to have as many as I could pop out! Sheesh.  Let me tell all husbands out there... NOT the best thing to say right after your wife just experienced the worse pain of her entire life.  After nearly 7 weeks I still shutter at the remembrance of my sons entrance into this world.  MY first words after giving birth were "who in their right mind has more then one baby?"  I guess there are allot of women not in there right minds, my mom included...she had 9.  :)

I am however here to testify  it does get better and more enjoyable as time goes on.  Today Samuel during our "talking session"  kicked all limbs and let out a yell of excitement  while he tried to out smile his face!  This new development nearly slayed me and made my morning the best EVER!  He is already such a little person with character and a unique self.  I am still trying to get over the fact that he was not here 6 1/2 weeks ago and now he is a huge part of our lives.  Truly this is an amazing act of The Lord.